The Heroin Wig (from Tracey in Ohio)

So, you say we can email you sordid tales from our using days. Here’s one of mine. While it’s probably not as funny as some of yours, it does remind me how much I don’t miss having to deal with people I didn’t  like to get what I needed……
Every night my roommate “Kay” and I would go to bed worried about how we were going to keep ourselves from being sick in the morning. We only had one car between us (because we had pawned the other one to get dope), and it was up on blocks for a few days getting a new transmission. I had a good job at the time so I had gotten paid at midnight. We didn’t know how we were going to get around to go pick up our dope. At 6:30 am, a girl ,who I will call Jo , called as she did every day to beg us for “a half” because she was just Soooooo sick she didn’t know what to do. Normally we wouldn’t deal with her because she had been known to steal from her friends, and even though we had a habit, we would never steal from a friend. But this day we decided to offer her the half she wanted if she would give us a ride to pick up our dope. She agreed. So as I was getting ready to go, I happened to find a crazy black hair piece/wig in one of Kay’s drawers. I thought it would be funny if I put it on and wore it in the car while we went to pick up. I have blonde hair so the wig looked absolutely horrendous and funny on me!! I jumped in Jo’s car and we took off. On our way, Jo sees a cop car  at the gas station across the street and she freaks out. I wasn’t sure why she was so skittish bc the cop was facing the opposite direction and we hadn’t gotten our shit yet. She waits until the cop pulls out and then goes the opposite direction. Next thing we know the cop had turned around and was behind us. I told her “don’t pull into pancho’s (our dealer) house. Keep going because we don’t want him to see us going there (the house was semi hot bc he was the only one who was open everyday at 6-7 in the morning). It was like a drive through that time of day. So the dumb cow does not listen to me and pulls right up in the driveway. The cop didn’t follow us into the driveway and kept going past us and up the street. I went in the house and bought like 200$ worth of shit. When I got back out to the car, Jo had moved over to the passenger seat and I find out why she was so scared when she saw the cop. She didn’t have a drivers license. Luckily, I did, so I jumped in to drive. I looked up and down the street and there were no cops in sight. My house was only ten min away. So I pulled out of the driveway and started toward home. Kay was there waiting impatiently sick as fuck like the rest of us. I texted her I was on my way. I look in my rear view and see the cop barreling up behind us, and I was like “Jo we are getting pulled over, do something with our shit. So she says ” oh man I’m gonna eat it. I’m not getting busted!” So I was like “listen you fat cow. You’re not eating my shit that I just paid 200$ for, and if you try, I will stop the car right here and beat your big ass right in front of the police. ” I told her to sit back, shut up, and keep her hands on the dash bc I had a license to drive. So she backed down and quickly locked it in her glove box. Sure as shit, I got pulled over at the 7/11 rocking my crazy black wig and looking like a complete fool. The cop comes walking up to my window and says “hi Jo, why are you driving without a license?” I told him I wasn’t Jo and promptly gave him my license and insurance. He explained he had seen Jo driving in the neighborhood at 0300am the night before and knew she didn’t have L’s, but she had gotten away from him. The dumb cow neglected to give me that info. He pulled her out of the car and I sat and tried to hear what was going on. I’m praying he doesn’t arrest her and search/tow the car. We would both get felonies and were in serious withdrawal by this point. I thought about chucking the wig in the back seat but decided it would look even more shady than i already did with it on. So I’m looking in the mirror trying to see what’s going on and I hear Jo tell the cop “oh your eyes are so pretty and blue” and I’m rolling my eyes  like oh no fuck we’re screwed and prob going to get bribery charges in addition to the felony drug charges. I mean I wish you guys and the listeners could picture this:  Jo, the cow, with sloppy dirty clothes on, weighs 300lbs, not cute at all, can hardly speak using proper grammar  along with me and my wig in the drivers seat looking like a fool. Both of us sweating because all we can think about is getting home and doing our shit. I look back at the cop again in my mirror and I see him hand Jo a ticket. I started to breath a little. I can hear her talking still and I’m praying for her to shut the fuck up. Why do people think they can chit chat with the cops like they are buddies? Just shut up and take your ticket cow!!!! She comes back gets in the car and says ” he was so nice. He could’ve taken me to jail bc it’s my second no license but he let me go with a court date.” I was so flustered by her idiocy. I told her not to ever talk to the cops unless she was answering their questions. She just kept saying how cute he was and she really thought her flirting and compliments were what helped her not go to jail. I was like “no it’s 7 in the morning and he wants to go home not lug your fat ass to jail.” all I could do was get myself home and out of her car. We were so lucky not to lose our dope and not to go to jail. Kay was outside when we pulled up frantic and I told her what happened. We didn’t deal with Jo any more after that day. And I’ve stopped wearing wigs. I’ve been on methadone successfully and seeing a psychiatrist and therapist now for 7 months. The methadone helps me. I haven’t used. My life is stable and getting happier slowly. I don’t have to worry about being sick every morning anymore.  I hope my story doesn’t bore you to death but I wanted to contribute to your show because it is great. Thank you for what you do.


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